I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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