sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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