Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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