i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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