Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
