I wish I could teleport
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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