dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
