When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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