Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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