Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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