this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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