you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize