Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i think i just naturally attract stoners
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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