VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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