I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
