OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize