just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
