it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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