So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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