My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
