Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
