would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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