Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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