So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
