been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
