I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
