Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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