Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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