So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
