There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
