Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
