"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
