i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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