I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
