Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
