Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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