If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
