I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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