I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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