Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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