Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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