I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
where are my eyebrows?
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