Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
