apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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