the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
