I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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