He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize