my phone needs a breathalizer
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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