Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
