When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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