I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You pole danced in your parka.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
