When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize