I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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