And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
