My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize