1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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