I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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