Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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