I've blown a few things in my day
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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