Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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