I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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