You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
