Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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