I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
