It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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