I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
